I think I’m starting to become lame. I don’t really drink, going out and clubbing don’t really excite me anymore. I feel like a party pooper. I’m not old I’m only 30. I’m on a trip and I just want to sightsee and my companions are all talking about going out and hooking up.

I’ve just changed so much in the past couples of years. It’s like I’ve moved on from this all and some people I really care about haven’t yet. I just don’t know how to respond sometimes. I don’t want to stop them from enjoying themselves, but at the same time I don’t want t be left on the sidelines by myself because of it.

That seems to be a continuing problem with me though. Many times I feel like the odd one out, even with an even number of people. It’s so frustrating.

I can’t blame people for wanting to enjoy themselves, but am I that uninteresting or are the distractions just that much more worth the attention. Should I have the right to feel upset when the person I’m trying to spend time with is constantly chatting with others at the same time? I know it’s not me. They care for me very much. I know that. Sometimes i wish we weren’t so comfortable that we can sit silent while we hang all the time. Or maybe because I don’t have the loads of attention as well so I have nothing to distract me while they are engrossed on their phone.

Have I really made myself that dull? Recused myself to the point that I can’t even have fun?

I think I. Sick of vying for attention. I want someone who can’t wait to talk to me, here from me, and will actually focus their whole attention on me for a change. I want someone to do to me what I do for everybody else. You know what it is. I just don’t want to share for once. i want one thing, ONE thing that is all mine.

I worry myself sick over what everyone else thinks or what is going to make them happy. I over think everything and end up dwelling on the worst case scenario. Thus making it a self fulfilling prophecy. In essence, while trying not to screw things up, I screw them up. I’m so scared to scare away potentials that I somehow do something that mucks it all up.

I gotta stop being so damn paranoid!