Ready for takeoff

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. But then again my life has been pretty hectic.

Here’s the rundown.

I’ve left my job at Disney that i’ve had for 15 years to pursue something that I’ve always wanted to do but never was afforded the opportunity until now.

I’m going to be a flight attendant!

Oh and did I mention I had Weight Loss Surgery in April and have since lost 70lbs? Yeah. It kinda changed my life. I’m feeling great and like a new person. Hence the “hey! Let’s chance our whole life and and become a new person!”

Did I also mention I’m based no where near where I live now? Yup. Looks like i’m packing up and moving to Dallas! Well possibly. If i don’t decided to move bases. But having lived in the same state and no more that 2 cities in my entire life. I’m embracing change. Even though it secretly terrifies me.

There’s a lot going on with my family and I’m afraid to leave them. But at the same time. I need to figure out my own life. I miss being on my own. It’s not easy living with 6 other people in your house and up ending your whole life routine. But it’s been good to have my sister so close, especially when she’s really needed me.

I’m really hoping that this change can bring me more into myself. Maybe open my eyes and world to all kinds of possibilities. Adventure, maybe even some romance? Dare I ask, hope, wish?

Well i’m off to training next week Here’s hoping this princess earns her wings!

 

I’ll keep you posted.

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Lameness on setting?

I think I’m starting to become lame. I don’t really drink, going out and clubbing don’t really excite me anymore. I feel like a party pooper. I’m not old I’m only 30. I’m on a trip and I just want to sightsee and my companions are all talking about going out and hooking up.

I’ve just changed so much in the past couples of years. It’s like I’ve moved on from this all and some people I really care about haven’t yet. I just don’t know how to respond sometimes. I don’t want to stop them from enjoying themselves, but at the same time I don’t want t be left on the sidelines by myself because of it.

That seems to be a continuing problem with me though. Many times I feel like the odd one out, even with an even number of people. It’s so frustrating.

I can’t blame people for wanting to enjoy themselves, but am I that uninteresting or are the distractions just that much more worth the attention. Should I have the right to feel upset when the person I’m trying to spend time with is constantly chatting with others at the same time? I know it’s not me. They care for me very much. I know that. Sometimes i wish we weren’t so comfortable that we can sit silent while we hang all the time. Or maybe because I don’t have the loads of attention as well so I have nothing to distract me while they are engrossed on their phone.

Have I really made myself that dull? Recused myself to the point that I can’t even have fun?

I think I. Sick of vying for attention. I want someone who can’t wait to talk to me, here from me, and will actually focus their whole attention on me for a change. I want someone to do to me what I do for everybody else. You know what it is. I just don’t want to share for once. i want one thing, ONE thing that is all mine.

I worry myself sick over what everyone else thinks or what is going to make them happy. I over think everything and end up dwelling on the worst case scenario. Thus making it a self fulfilling prophecy. In essence, while trying not to screw things up, I screw them up. I’m so scared to scare away potentials that I somehow do something that mucks it all up.

I gotta stop being so damn paranoid!

2013, you might not suck after all

Ok, so far so good. New job possibilities on the horizon, and…..AND a new gentleman in my life.  

The rush from a new relationship can be so exhilarating. We haven’t even met yet and I’m already completely smitten. He’s smart, talented, has a steady job, although it does make him travel a lot and it’s the reason we haven’t met yet. But i’m hoping that my gut doesn’t steer me wrong this time. Oh, and did I mention he is completely GORGEOUS!!!  *sigh* 

I’m trying not to put all my eggs in one basket, i’m trying to not to do what I always do. Get all obsessed and somehow screw it up like i always do. 

I’m trying to make something of my life this year. I finally feel like i’m going to grow the fuck up. 

Here we go again

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It must be said that I am one of the dumbest people in existence. I keep thinking things will different. Or I’m over him. Then he says this shit to me that is unbelievable. I feel like fate is playing this cruel joke on me, and when I think I’ve got it figured out. It bitch slaps me across the face. How many times am I going to fall for this before I finally learn?

You say these amazing things and I can see you mean them. But you go off and do something to make me look like a complete fool again. Sometimes i wonder if you even realize what you are doing, and how unfair it is to me. I know it’s not out of spite. I know that you truly love me. I just wish you could do it without hurting me.

you know what….

fuck you. 

I know that it’s a bit crass, but I’m so seriously pissed off right now. You take a chance, you do something out of your comfort zone. It seems to go well, then..boom! it all goes to shit. 

I went on a date with someone, in all honesty, it was my first date. like ever. I met him online and he asked me out. Not my usual type physically, but i decided that I should give him a chance. Spend all day together, have really great conversation, by all signs, he’s really into me. He wants to hang out the next day, but i have stuff I need to do, so I say another time. WE even kissed, several times. I was honestly a really sweet date with a really sweet guy. Days have now gone by, and I have not heard one word. I text a simple hi. Nothing. Offer a hang out. Nothing. 

You know what, if you aren’t interested, don’t bull shit me. ugh, this is what i’ve been missing in the dating world? Being lead on and dropped cold? Nay Nay sweetheart. 

Roller coaster….of life… say WHAT?

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That is definitely what has been going on. I didn’t get a internship that i really wanted, my health is still on the up and down, and i’ve been so worried about my close friends that it all seems so hopeless sometimes.

I kinda let myself fall into a bit of a depression about all this. I hate it when i do that. You can’t help it sometimes. It all feels like the world is going to shit and there is nothing you can do about it but ride it all out. Everyone tries to give you advice, but you never listen do you? It’s as if anything anyone tries to say just ends up pissing you off. I’m sure that you don’t want to be rude, or standoffish to your friends, but it’s as if no one can really understand how you are feeling and what is going to help. We have all felt like this, and if you haven’t then you are a damn liar.

You just have to have your moment of sadness and pity, then kick yourself in the ass, get up and do something. but we all seem to fail at this process. Shit happens and it makes us sad, you’ve got to deal first, then you can move on, if you don’t deal, then it’s only going to fuck things up later.

I know that things can get better. I just tend to forget this from time to time.

Well that was scary

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So, the last couple of days have been pretty crazy. 

I go into work, end up with severe shortness of breath and nausea. Get taken to the hospital in an ambulance, turns out I have a pulmunary embolism! That’s right, blood clots in my lungs. I’ve been here for 3 days now, I might get to go home if I can administer my own blood thinner, via needle… ugh! 

I’m freaking myself out, but I want to go home so I’m going to try it. 

I’ve had a lot of time to think about things while I’ve been here. Mainly about how I take care of myself. I don’t really. I’m now diabetic, not fun. among lots of other things that I have wrong with me. It basically cemented my decision to make a very big change in my life. I want to lead a normal life, I want a family, I want a future, and it’s up to me to make sure that happens. 

It’s not going to be easy. but I think it needs to be done. I’m 30 years old. I’ve got to start living my life right.

Willing to try….

It’s amazing how just a nice simple day can be so amazing. It’s hard to think how great two people can just be. talk and have wonderful conversation and have so much in common, but the other person is to stubborn to see the possibilities that are there.

Are we to afraid to “ruin the friendship”? i mean c’mon. How can we truly see how things might turn out if we don’t try. I just want to find someone willing to try.

So MAYBE i’m a little over dramtic

OK so my last post was out of sheer depression, I’m sorry. I’m not one of those emo people that hurt themselves. so don’t be worried ok?

PPC is an amazing person. it’s been decided. Even is nothing more than friendship comes of this. I think i’ll still be happy to have him in my life.

Though it’s hard to shake the feeling that he was sent to me. God brings people into your life when you are suppose to have them. I think that this might be something big.